Fishing For Love

I remember when I was younger and I used to always go fishing with my granddad. We would literally sit on the banks of the river for hours fishing but really waiting for that fish that made all of those hours worth the wait.  During that time we had caught fish, but none that were worth keeping and we just threw them back into the water. Yea we had some fish already in the cooler, but none that were worth the significance of us being out there the time we had been.  

A three hour conversation that I had with a friend brought this memory back to me.  She just said that how it took her so long in life to find the perfect relationship that she’s never had before.  When she said that it hit my mind that this quest of love we travel along is a day at the river for us fishing. We will have caught some fish in our life, but we throw them back because it’s not what we want, or are looking for. The statement that said often is: There are plenty of fish in the sea. The question that I ask is that: With such a big sea, what’s the probability of all those fish equaling the validation that that one big catch gives you? I don’t think we as people realize that with it being such a big sea it takes patience to get that catch that we’ve been waiting for. Those hours that I spent on the banks with my granddad, translate to months or years that we have to wait for that big fish we want. A problem with us as humans have is that we don’t have the patience required, so we settle for a good catch, and not that catch that we know deep down inside we want. Fishing is patience game. Whether it’s fishing for actual fish, or fishing for that special someone. Sometimes it takes a short time, sometime it’s a long time, but one thing that don’t changes is that once we get that big catch, and latches on to us and we see it’s what we’ve been longing for, we gather our poles and go home happy knowing we’ve got the catch we’ve waited for. There’s plenty of fish in the sea, but there’s only one that’s going to validate the time we spent fishing and wishing……Wise words from a decent man……

Just Life

Sitting here half half sane with thoughts on my brain. Teacher speaking because in life we all think knowledge is something we obtain. Its amazing how over time, towards life, my feelings have changed. And no I'm not talking suicidal, but just seeing that life is fighting for survival. My granddady taught to keep my eyes open and head to the skies, never let them see you sweat, keep your pain in disguise, but then he went and took off to the skies. So now instead of sweat it's the tears I have flowing down from my eyes. And if these words were the lyrics to a song, there wouldnt be a chorus cause in life theres no repetition. We just win or we loss. So I just run this thing as if it was a marathon. Longevity through the grind baby, yeah I get my Kenyan on. And on my last 100 yard sprint, Im focused on the checkered flag. Knowing that finishing with success is a thing that few around me have ever had.

Conflicted

Started at a young age, taught that in life's book dont get caught on the wrong page. Reading between the lines of the hand shakes and smiles. Through my 21 years I've felt like Coffee walking that green mile. Feeling conflicted like my souls behind bars and just trying to have a free spirit. But hey, this a just a young black man whose conflicted. And I know I keep saying conflicted but it's just this world that I live in. Feel like my life is. Training Day and everyday I'm in the jungle. Watching for the snakes that hiss when I walk. Listening for the lies of the words that they talk. Where's the love that im longing for. Its been a year and love aint even knocked on my door. Had a few houses that I did visit. Trying to sale me as a guy to women who are past conflicted. We all say we want the real thing but we never accept. Shout to my college ex because I'll neva forget it. This is just my mental focus, thoughts flying through my head like a loud locust. So consider this my farewell, through confliction I know I'm heaven bond cause I've already spent my time in hell and went and shot the devil down.

Crack Rock or Wicked Jumpshot

If you’re white and you like this it doesn’t make you racist. If you’re a black dude and this upsets you….Oh well, it’s the truth. Drugs, sports and rapping seems to be ambition for most black guys today. The drug game brings in money, sports bring in money, and rapping brings in money.The one thing neither one of these bring in is stability. Why is it that people want to step out on the shakiest foundation and then are surprised when they fall? Why do these things seem like the only career paths for young black men. Don’t get me wrong I’m not saying not to have dreams, but have realistic dreams and have a back up for your dreams. Drugs are illegal and the possibility of someone making it pro in a sport or big in rapping is slim. I admire my good friends Phonso Ellis and Terrance Cosby. They have dreams in their respective sports and can go to the next level but yet they still secure with back-up plans if they don’t make it and by back up plans I mean EDUCATION!!!! Education seems to be a word that young black men are afraid of and this isnt me just talking and knowing what I’m talking about. Check the numbers on how many of us graduate from high school, the numbers on how many of us to college and then how many of us actually graduate from college. Then we complain when we cant get ahead in life, when the question is how can we get ahead when we don’t have the essential tool for us to. The things that I’ve come to find out is that our culture is so caught up in instant gratification and the thing with education is that it’s not instant, it’s a process. A process that many don’t want to take because there is nothing it for them at that time. I mean even Lil Wayne has a college degree in English. Drugs, rapping and sports brings fame, recognition, and possibly money. The keyword though of that last statement though is POSSIBLY, which means there’s a chance it won’t come. And like I said the possibility of that money coming is very unlikely. So what do you do when it doesn’t come? How long are you staying with your mama? How do you support yourself? How do you suport a family? How can you be a man when you don’t know where your going in life. Moral of this blog: Go against the grain. Better back yourself up.

Poem: Passion For You

I love you, I long for you and want you more than anything. You bring joy to my heart and a fire to my soul. What it is about you, I just dont know. I've tried to figure that out for so long, but maybe its better left unknown. You illuminate dark spots in my soul. You make me sad, you make me cry. But your presence brings me to an all time high. You are transparent but yet I see your presence, I feel your touch. I love your hug, I cherish your embrace. I want you and everything that comes with you. What I guess Im saying is, I have this strong lust for this girl name Life and everything she has in store for me in the day and the night.

Poem: Chasing You

I chase you but still don’t know how far I have left to go to see you, or if I ever will. I can only see you in my mind, in my sleep, just waiting for the day your existence is my reality. You keep me humble but yet anxious. You give me reason to live, but yet the thought of you kills me sometimes, but yet I chase you, I commit to you hoping that you will be with me one day. Hoping that my visions of you don’t go in vain. You get my blood flowing, my heart racing and my mind thinking and that’s what encourages me to run after you, to fiend for you because once I get you, the prophecy of my life is complete. The destination in which I have longed to reach, I have finally arrived. The prize in which I strived so long in life to have, I have finally received and the beauty of it all is that it makes my life complete. And that is why I chase DREAM.

Love and Basketball

If there is any sport Love is like, it has to be basketball. You start this game when you’re a kid. Every year you learn more and more about the game and how to play it. You play on team after team, some good some bad. Then we get to that stage in our life where we just want to be on one team and a good team to finish our careers out with.

Love is like basketball. We play hard we love hard. The ball is as precious as the person in which we are with. We take care of the ball because we never want to lose it. We never want to have it taken from us. When we lose the ball we then play defense waiting to get the steal or the rebound but realize that it doesn’t remove the thought of us losing the ball in the first place and doesn’t feel as good.

Love is like basketball because when we frantically start to search for that love that we start to press. We start to speed things up trying to make things happen, trying to get that winning feeling. Trying to make something out of nothing, but in the process we end up turning the ball over and just playing out of control. Looking at basketball, the best scores come when you're patient and take your time and it’s the same way with love.

Love is basketball and we are the front office of the game. We strive to have that franchise player on our team. Yes players have come through over the years but nothing equals up to that person that can take you, be with you and carry you over the years. When we recognize that player, we go through extensive agreements to have them. Once we have them we aren’t worried about free agency, the draft and players on other teams because we have our franchise player. To us they are our superstar and we can’t wait for the day in which we can induct them in our life long Hall of Fame.

Love is basketball. We have to look at the scoreboard and ask ourselves are we winning, is it tied or are we beating ourselves by our decisions? The thing is, if it is tied, or if we are losing, how long will we continue to use the same strategy? Because looking at the scoreboard there is no time, because any given day our careers could end.

Love and Basketball: Let’s the play the game the right way.

Romance

Let me introduce you to my alter ego his name is Romance. Can he take you for a candle lit slow dance, or can he take you for a walk along the beach sands? Can Romance be there to be your tissue to wipe those tears away, or can he be there to give you that massage when you’ve had that stressful day. Sweep you off your feet, but never let you fall. Put you on a pedestal, have you standing tall. Can Romance cater to you like you are his special occasion, and can he get inside your heart and give you this love infection. If so, all you have to do is say yes, because Romance is here to meet all your needs. And he’s happy as long as it’s you he’s satisfying. He’s not concerned with himself because your satisfaction is his gratification. Any moment he gets to express his love for you is his celebration.  Romance pulls out all the stops and probably shows you some things you’ve never seen. All the things that you’ve ever wished would happen to you and the things you long for in your dreams. Open your eyes to things you’ve never seen, you heart to things its always loved and your soul to things it’s always wanted to feel. Touch your spirit and make you feel like you’ve reached heaven but you’re on earth still. Romance wants to do all of that, and put you in a relaxed state and leave you so tranquil. Soft music, candle lit dinners, flowers and rose pedals on the floor beneath your feet. People who say Romance is dead just haven’t met him because I am him and he is me.   

Poem: My Calm

I’m just so far gone, in my own zone

Please leave me alone.

Cut from life’s hurt, I'm putting nesporing on.

My soul is not at home, just what is going on?

Where did I go wrong? Where do I belong?

Caught up in this life, standing in the wind and the storm.

Recognizing that when it rains, I’m the one it’s raining on.

Seeing that people in my life are really never set in stone.

My grandma always saying that she loves me on the phone

But it never replaces the fact that my granddad is dead and gone.

Right now I feel so distant from all my friends that I know.

Who’s real and who’s not is constantly sitting on my dome.

Loops that I get thrown, lies that I’ve been told

I go distances to protect myself that I shouldn’t have to go.

Through these past 2 years, look at just how much that I have grown.

I’m just in my zone. I call this blog My Calm.

Yea, but I’m the furthest thing from calm

Dedicate this to my soul, trying to warm it from being cold.

Just drowning out my agony in the words of this poem.

But you can see it in my eyes, you can read it in my palm.

As a human you get betrayed, it’s proven and it’s known.

sitting in this desk, but what’s  going on I just don’t know.

I know I always worry, it’d be better if I don’t.

(Just how I’m feeling, Just my emotions. I apologize to you now,

Putting ya’ll in this position, but I learned from Drake don’t ask

Permission, just ask forgiveness. So forgive me.)

My life is so insane

Cause 80% of my smiles, is just me in a disguise.

And people around me cant open me up if they tried.

Cause I’m skeptical of everyone around me at this time.

They love it when I smile

unaware that it's a strain,

Taking heed to all the things

that my consciousness has been saying.

Women need attention therefore women will complain

Develop stats bout me and say that I’m the one to blame.

Trying to enjoy myself with my guys is not same,

I just wish they knew how much this all weighed like Dwayne.

It’s a weight that’s on my chest whoever spotting me is playing

So I’m lifting all alone trying not to get a sprain.

Hoping Jesus can one day do a mindset exchange.

Cause my life called and it’s just trying to go back to the old me again.

Like how I used to joke and laugh without it being a strain

But now it’s like I laugh and joke just to ease the pain.

And I can only feel this pain.

Cause in this cold world, to hold it in is to be a man.

So I’m writing out another blog, expressing me once again.

People say they love me, I just hope it’s not in vain.

Wondering why people keep mentioning my name,

I press ignore on your text, not really caring what they saying.

As a man I’m just honest, and as a lover I’m a king

With my own set of problems that be sitting on my brain.

Yep, and see this is the thang.

This simple thing as blogging is the way maintain.

The things I think while staring out the window of my class

Is the single handed reason why I move on with the past.

Change

Why is change so bad, especially successful change?  I think Drake laid it out in his song “Resistance” when he makes the statement, “What am I afraid of? This is supposed to be what dreams are made of. People I don’t have the time to hang with. Always look at me and say the same shit.(You promise me you would never change up.)” To better improve yourself sometimes means people that used to be in your life will voluntarily remove themselves, because you bettering yourself makes them feel inferior and they feel that you are changing. The reason they feel you are changing is because they have no desire to get out the mold that they are in and form a new one. Sometimes we as people do get try to improve ourselves we act differently with others, but it’s mostly because we see that in this process of progress in our lives we see that people we used to have around could possibly be the ones to bring us down. When trying to progress yourself in life, just sit back and observe how people act towards you. Your true friends will never down your progress even if they aren’t progressing themselves, but the people that say that because of you trying to change your life positively were only associates because they never knew your true ambition in the first place. Just like in business, in life when it pertains to friends, cuts may be in order. On the road of progress, the removal of excess must sometimes be done to reach your success. Moral of this blog: Don’t be resistant….

Dark Knight Feeling

“Dark Knight feeling, you die you’ll be a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain”

Dark Knight feeling. A feeling of living your life trying to do the best you can and making the best name for yourself to only have try to ruin your name. So now we find ourselves in the twisted web of our death making us loved by people for our lives and the person we are, but if we keep living those same people will make us out into a villain. But hey, if they did it to Jesus and Batman what makes us think we are excempt.

Dark Knight feeling…Maybe we become a villain because no matter how good we are, how much good we do and how good our rep is, there are still people that will drag us through the mud. With that happening we have no choice but to be a villain. To let a wrath loose on everything and everybody that unreasonably comes against us to the point where we are viewed as a villain because of our change of demeanor.

Dark Knight feeling...The feeling of being tired of always being there for others when no one is there for you, so you develop a mentality of being there for yourself only and cursing all of those against you. Not really caring about much and turning cold, which is going the total opposite of who you are.

It’s funny how living and dying perceive what you will be remembered for and as, but oh well, that’s just the Dark Knight feeling. Not a hero because I’m not dead so I guess I’ll have to play the villain.

"Proceed With Caution"

“Better safe than sorry, instead of searching for substance at every single party. Maybe being part of this life we feel like we bound to end up with somebody that’s been with everybody.”

Drake gave s the harsh reality of what life may have for us in this society. From high school until our late 20’s we spend times at parties, clubs, speed dating and etc searching for that someone. Trying to find that quality, that aura and that intriguing factor, intellectually savvy;  basically searching for that substance Drake refers to. The thing is while we are searching we waste years of our life away looking for these things in the wrong places. The reality of it all though is stated within the second part of this verse. “Being a part of this life and society we are we are bound to end up with somebody that’s been with everybody.” Now this not always the case, but it is a tough pill to swallow and for the average American this is the scary reality of life and a strong possibility of finding a significant other.  The fear of being single forever. The fear that what you’re searching for, we may never find. The fear of being with someone who possibly may have been with someone you know or who has been with way more people than you.  So that rewinds this blog back to the initial words of the verse. “Better safe than sorry.” Thing is we don’t believe in being safe. The possibility of safe doesn’t cross our minds until we’ve been hit a couple times. With dudes safe is weakness. Safe keep guys from exploring possibilities of other women. With girls, safe is always portrayed and shown but exploration is in the back of their cerebral capacity. Not being safe 9 times out of ten brings the result of being sorry. Being sorry results in bitterness about life. Being upset that the ambitions and dreams of our never came true because of a lack of safety. Dreams of marriage, dreams of having that family and so much more are prolonged for every day, of every week, of every month, of every year we continue to ignore safety. The thing is how do we pick to drive this vehicle of life and love? Do we drive it down the highway doing 25 over the limit with no seatbelt on, or do we drive it doing the limit with our seatbelts on? The vehicle of love and life isn’t as hard to drive as we make it out to be. Moral of this blog: Buckle up while driving.

The 80/20 Fallacy

In relationship we are all aware of the 80/20 rule. The rule that states that the person you’re with can give you no more than 80% of what you need/want and the other 20% lies in others outside of the relationship. The thing is can we really accept the fact that the person we are in a relationship with is only suppose to give us 80% of what we need. Let’s take it to another level, let’s take it to marriage since this is where the rule is used the most. Is your spouse is really suppose to only give you 80% of what you need and leave your mind to wonder about the other 20. I don’t think so. To avoid the 80/20 rule all that is needed is one thing….COMMUNICATION. The things that we would like for our counter parts to do or change, is all about communicating that to them. If we want them to change their attitude, we communicate that to them! If we want them to change how they show affection, we communicate that to them! If we want to try to work on a physical aspect(within reason), we communicate that to them! The older generation says personal, face to face communication is a lost art with us. In part due to the rising advances in technology of communicating. Then on being the receiving end of this we also must be able to make our counter parts feel that we can be the 100% that they need and not give their minds time to wonder about the 20 because there isn’t a 20% if 100% is already present. It is our duty to strive to give our absolute best, to strive for excellence. To strive to make sure that without a doubt the other person knows that we want to do so much and more for them, but we don’t do this as humans. We get complacent with being the 80 and feel our work is done and feel that 100% is unobtainable. How can we judge what is unobtainable if we don’t try to obtain it? We feel that they won’t leave us, but when they do, we are left looking stupid. With all this presented it bring me to the premise that the doctrine of the 80/20 rule isn’t a rule at all, but in all retrospect it is a full blown fallacy and even more of an excuse. An excuse to be unfaithful, an excuse to lie, an excuse for us to hold back from giving all of ourselves because we feel we can or we are suppose to only give or do so much, an excuse to venture outside the yard and see for ourselves what else is out there. Realistically there is no 80/20 but the lazy and complacent vs. inspired and desireful spirits of our selves. Moral of this blog: Go against the numbers.

Simple Beauty

“Sweat pants, hair tied, chillin’ with no make-up on. That’s when your prettiest hope you don’t take this wrong.”

This has to one of the truest things that has ever been said. Simplicity is the key to any women’s beauty. Yes a woman that is dressed up is attractive, but a woman that doesn’t indulge in all the superficiality of beauty, lives in the simplicity of life and beauty itself is the sexiest creature God has ever created. Honestly, no guy like a girl that always stays with make up on, guys love simple appearance. The simplicity of the appearance gives off the vibe of relaxation and gives a guy that mentality of looking at his girl as his best friend for real. Ladies feel that they always have to be dolled up to impress their guy, but when just relaxing with him or relaxing with him and his friends, a guy just wants a simple girl. When you look at it all simple girls will most of the time keep their relationship because their man looks at them as their true companion because of the simple company she provides. The complex girls caught in superficial glamour of always being made-up, coached out and hair always having to be done, will always be alone because most guys honestly don’t want all that. Most guys when looking for a girl to be within the long run look for that simple girl. Simple when it comes to beauty, simple when it come to attitude and simple when it comes to life. Simple girls have simple attitudes. It’s not the material, it’s the not the glamour that drives them, but being that true, true best friend to their guy is what they strive for and in the end that is what their guy will love and appreciate the most and love the most out of their girl is when that is their demeanor and that is why women are the most beautiful when they are not dressed up.  Moral of this blog: Simplicity= Sexiness

Passion, Pain, Pleasure

Passion, Pain, Pleasure….Not talking about Trey Songz album and how it went through stages of relationships but it’s much deeper than that. Passion, Pain and Pleasure are the stages of life itself. We start off as a young child with no worries and no cares and our passion for life is at an all time high. We are just as natural to the world as clouds are to the sky. We live not stressed, not hassled but with a calmness about us makes life like heaven. After these years there comes the pain. The pain of responsibility, the pain of relationships, the pain of let downs and it leaves us lost in this place that we once used to wonder mindlessly and freely in. We are now held hostage and enslaved in our minds to the world and things of it. We are now the captives of life instead of captivating life. So through the struggle we spend our days thinking of the future and when we will once be free again like we once were and that leads to the Pleasure. Now pleasure can be broken into two cycles. The first is the pleasure of making it through the pain and being free and having life in the palm of our hands instead of being held by life. The second part of Pleasure is death, a bit twisted I know. The pleasure of death is knowing that we can completely once again be free and reach a place that has no struggles and turmoil, but everlasting peace and that is heaven, at least for most of us it is. Moral of this blog: Life is a roller coaster, but the destination we reach is better than the ride.

X Factor of Trust

“I love you.”…. When we say that what is included in that word love. Is it you are attractive to me, I think about you all the time, is it I want to spend my life with you etcetera, etcetera. The key thing that needs to come out of the statement “I Love You” is that I am going to trust you. The essential thing is that there can’t be any love if there is no trust, because to say you love someone is saying that you’re going to give them all of you, your heart and soul and trust that they won’t fail you, it’s pretty much sacrificing all of you to the other person. If you can’t trust the person you’re with then there can be no love. Trust is the key component. Attraction, lust and chemistry are nice and all but the prime factor has to be trust but trust is the scariest part of it because it leaves us vulnerable because of how much of ourselves we give to that person and that is why trust shows true love. Yes we find it hard to trust another human being with ourselves because we know that we as humans mess up every day and that’s why it’s scary to trust someone to not mess up with us. So the question is, can we truly trust anyone? Call this the X factor. Moral of this blog: Love doesn’t exist without trust.

What Will Be Your Eulogy

At funerals we always have people crying, it’s only natural. Over my time I’ve come to realize that the amount of tears shared is the reciprocal of the emotions about the person that died. It’s kind of like an emotional math problem. But after this life what will we be remembered for individually. It’s a crazy thought to think of you being a ghost at your own funeral and just being able to see and hear what people would have to say about your life. The big question in the scheme of things is what would I remembered for. If I died today what would Kalvin Jeffery Hilliard Jr. be remembered as by the people who knew me? Will the pastor have to lie at your eulogy to portray you in another light? Have you done the things in life that if you died today you would be proud of? Because the things that we do now will mold the way people feel about us even after we’re dead. I mean look at history. We learn about past events and a lot of dead people, and not only the huge things they did but also things in their personal life. Moral of this blog: Prepare the eulogy you want while you’re alive.

Can't Find What's Not Lost

The most irrational statement I’ve ever heard from human is “we need to find ourselves.” The question I ask is where did ourselves go? How can we find ourselves when we were never loss? I don’t think there has ever been a moment when the mind, spirit and soul have detached from the body. If that is the case then how is it that we can be lost when all parts are intact. We live our selves every second of every minute of every hour of every day. We know our feelings, emotions and thoughts. So it’s not that we are trying to find ourselves because we were never lost but it is us acting on the feelings, emotions and thoughts that we have had our entire life.  So in essence it’s not that we are finding ourselves but our selves are being expressed freely with our consent. The Moral of the blog: You can’t find what’s not lost, it’s all been there the whole time.

Future Is Always In Our Present View

In Forrest Gump Forrest says “Mama says life is like a box of chocolates. You never go what you gonna get.” I’d like to say like is a pair of binoculars. You look out far enough and you can see what’s coming. I think we get caught up and fail to be realistic and see what is to come. Thing is it scares us to really open our eyes and look hard into the horizon and see if the sun is shining or if a big asteroid is coming to wipe us out. “Then at the end we’re left asking how I’d this happen, I didn’t see it coming.” When in reality we saw it coming all along but we just put the binoculars down when we saw what the outcome would be but that it would change along the way. The moral of the blog: Never put your binoculars down.

Your Handshake Is Not Matching Your Smile

The crazy thing is that the people, who smile in our face, give us hugs and handshakes are some of the ones that are most likely to plot on us and do things behind our back. The crazy thing is we all have "spidey senses" that are tingling but we ignore them and give the benefit of the doubt. The thing is, spidey senses are never wrong. People always say we call it snakes in the grass because of the idea that you can't see them, but its more like snakes in the sand because we see them creepin, we here them rattling, but we ignore the warning. Moral of this blog: Keep your friends close and everyone else at a distance.